The closer I get to my Ironman debut race, the more I question the need for a goal time. I don't know where this is coming from. Is it fear? Is it the attempt to avoid self-flagellation if I don't succeed? Is it my desire to enjoy the experience? (As much as one can enjoy the last 4 hours of an Ironman marathon!) Am I worried about how much it will hurt to try to attain my goal? I'm quite sure I would answer 'yes' to all the above.
When this all started in January 2007, all the team raceAthlete folks had to fill out a sort of intake form for Coach Ricci. Of course, the questionnaire has a big open slot to fill in your goal time for your A race. As I've said before, I often think I'm too stupid for my own good. I have a tendency to set the bar high and then get real irritated with myself if I can't come through. Well, I think I've done that to myself again. The thing that really bugs me is that by blogging about it, I'm giving the issue more attention than it's really worth.
My goal time for Ironman WI is 12:15. There, I said it. No take backs. Up until now, only a handful of people knew my dream time. Now, anyone who cares to know, knows. Some of the power of the inner secret is now gone. I feel vulnerable. But, that is probably good. I am not looking for affirmation that I can do it. My goal is mine alone, thought through and planned out by myself.
For this to happen for me, all systems must be a go. There can be no room for error. Potty breaks and transition times have been calculated. Pace times in each discipline have been studied and strategized. I've thought through my nutrtitional needs more times than I can count. Can I do it? I really don't know. I guess that's why they call it a goal.
One thing I can't let happen is to allow this silly number to control my overall view of the experience. How does a person do that? That's what I'm struggling with right now. I've not achieved goal times in the past and lived to tell about it. Why should this race be any different? But, for some reason I can't quite express, it is. Maybe I should try to let it all go. Problem is, that's not how I'm wired. I can't let it go.
"God grant us serenity to accept the things we cannot change, courage to change the things we can, and wisdom to know the difference."
-Reinhold Niebuhr, 1934
I'll be reciting that a lot over the next 19 days.
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